From Happy to Content

For the first sixteen years of our marriage my husband was active-duty Navy, so I was a military spouse managing a family and household in constant flux.  During that time, we birthed 3 children, moved 10 times, lived in 7 states, bought 4 houses and sent our daughters to 9 schools.   

In the early years, I enjoyed the frequent moves.  As a matter of fact, I found the changes quite fun – even exhilarating.  Every couple of years there was a new duty station, a new home, a new baby.  And as a stay-at-home mom, I learned to adapt my role and responsibilities to the needs of my growing family.     

As time wore on, however, things seemed to get more difficult.  The moves grew bigger – we had more stuff, my husband’s job was more demanding, and the girls became more attached to their world outside of the family. 

My responsibilities and stress expanded exponentially.  It seemed like I was living in a never-ending loop of daily responsibilities and either getting settled in a new place or getting ready for the next move.  I still valued being a stay-at-home mom, and I was super proud of my husband’s military service.  But like many young moms, I was stressed and overwhelmed a lot. 

Avoiding Negative Feelings 

There were many days where I just had a general feeling of discontent. Nothing seemed right.  I had to make too many decisions on my own, the kids were needy, and the majority of my conversations were with tiny humans under the age of eight.   

On those days, I was much more likely to flip through a magazine when I was supposed to be folding laundry or mopping the floor, or mindlessly indulge in Haagen Dazs while watching Lifetime Movies after putting the kids down for the night. 

The reason I was doing those things was to avoid my negative feelings and to try to make myself feel more content.  I didn’t want to experience the feeling of boredom when doing the housework, or the feeling of loneliness at night when my husband was deployed. 

Starting in childhood, our culture bombards us with messages that we should be happy most of the time and that something has gone terribly wrong if we’re not.  Just look at the tv, internet or magazines and you will be told that if you just eat this food, take this vacation or join this gym, then you’ll be happy. 

When you ask people about what they want out of life, you’ll hear, “I just want to be happy!” 

Perpetual Happiness Isn’t the Answer 

But in truth, we don’t want to be happy all the time.  What we’re actually seeking is a feeling of contentment. 

When we chase after constant happiness, we are not going to experience either satisfaction or ease of mind.  It’s exhausting to always feel the need to buy the newest gadget or trendiest clothes – just so that we can be happy.  

There is no doubt that if we can just maintain a Pilates body, make a Pinterest-worthy cake for our child’s birthday party, or decorate our home with the latest HGTV trends, then we’ll be happy. 

Right? 

The answer is probably not.  You see, even if we acquire and achieve all these things, we’re still right back where we began: believing we need more.  And we can’t be content if we think we need more.   

We also can’t be content if we strive for constant happiness at the expense of embracing the negative feelings that are a rich part of the human experience. 

One of the most powerful things I learned from my own life coach completely blew my mind – she taught me that it’s completely normal to experience negative emotions at least half the time. 

What??!!   

The fact is that absolutely nothing has gone wrong if we are not living in a constant state of happiness like the world tries to convince us we should be.   

Aim for Being Content 

In fact, we can, and should, experience the entire gamut of emotions available to us.  When we allow ourselves to truly accept and feel our negative emotions, life gets so much more colorful and fulfilling.   

Just because we feel something negative doesn’t mean we must act on it.  For example, let’s say that your neighbor leaves his grass clippings on your driveway, again.  It would be natural for you to feel angry about that.  However, it’s not necessary to act on that feeling by telling him off or by dumping your own yard waste on his driveway.  It’s ok to just allow yourself to feel mad about his actions.  

You also don’t have to buffer in order to avoid your angry feelings towards your neighbor.  Buffering is when we engage in activities like overeating, overdrinking, or overspending in order to elude our uncomfortable emotions.  I was definitely buffering when I was reading magazines and bingeing on ice cream and movies in order to escape my feelings of stress and overwhelm.   

Avoiding our negative feelings certainly won’t lead us to a state of satisfaction or ease of mind. 

As humans, our goal should be to find contentment right where we are in our lives.  We will be content when we stop striving for constant happiness and willingly embrace the full range of emotions available to us – all of them. 

Now that is a Pinterest-worthy recipe for contentment.